Ms. Figs,
I appreciate Dreyer's offer to extend coupons as a means to replace the ice cream bars which suffer from an affliction of spontaneous disintegration. However, the fundamental contention of my letter is the matter of culpability and Dreyers being held to account for its failure to produce ice cream bars commensurate with the stature of Häagen Dazs's brand.
In light of the fact that this problem has occurred repeatedly, I request you to escalate this matter to the management responsible for quality control. My specific request is to receive a letter personally addressed to me from the department of quality control or its equivalent, in which this corporate function takes responsibility for this deleterious outcome.
This letter shall meet the following requirements:

1.  Physical letter sent via the United States Postal Service. (Not to be confused with the United States Parcel
    Service)

2.  The presence of an official letterhead on the physical letter.

3.  Personally addressed to me: Mr. Jurgen R. Focken, and my esteemed partner, Mr. Jonathan E. Jelq.

4.  Acknowledgement of the failure to enforce proper quality controls and an explanation for why this occurred.

5.  Reassurance that this will not happen again and an explanation for what is being done to address this problem.

6.  Wet ink signature of the official making this statement on behalf of the corporation

7.  Envelope enclosed via company-branded wax seal, if available.

This measure will convey the seriousness with which Dreyer's takes its longstanding patrons' complaints and the quality of its offerings. Most of all, it will restore my confidence in the Häagen Dazs brand.
With gratitude and optimism,
Mr. Jurgen R. Focken

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